On not feeling good enough.

If you saw my Instagram post the other day, you already know what I'm about to say...but lately? I've had multiple meltdowns about this. Not feeling adequate, idiotically seeking approval from everyone, and just feeling like no matter how hard I work, I can never get ahead. 

Some days I feel like I rock at life, other days I feel like I've been hit BY a rock. Certain days I'm an amazing friend, but a less than perfect wife. Other days I get my extreme cardio workout in, yet fail to read my daily passages. But what's the worst? The way I continuously guilt myself about not being 'perfect' or 'good enough'...feeling like maybe God was disappointed in my attitude, personality, etc. It was super crummy, and a bit dramatic on my part.

It's in those moments that I realize how absolutely ridiculous and selfish my thoughts have been. Why would God allow me to BE this exhausted?! Why do I feel like I can't get ahead?! Then I had a wake up call. God chose to bless ME with an amazing marriage that would lift me up when I was feeling down, TWO jobs to provide extra income for bills and our debt payoff, friends and family to remind us how loved we are. Sure, we all have our 'off' days where we complain here and there about our situation,s but I'm truly trying to get better at that. 

One thing that I'm also trying to get better at is to stop wishing for someone else's circumstances and love where I am, in that moment. Sure, I may not be out of debt yet...but I'm only 23. Sure, I don't have my degree yet, but through that God has taught me patience...and yes, my mom moved away from us a few years ago and never looked back but you know what? That single act made me a stronger person, that I didn't even know I had in me. God allows ALL things to happen to us for some purpose, even if we never truly figure out what it is.

I was in tears the other night praying for the countries around the world who don't have the right to freely believe whatever they choose without fear of being persecuted for it...for the parents who can't provide even enough food for their children, let alone themselves, every night. For the women who have been traded as if they were an item...and to think, I'VE got it bad?! No way.

Sure, I get exhausted from my 9-5 job, which sometimes leaves me drained and feeling too exhausted to enjoy my second job, that is, my passion. Yes, there are days when Caleb and I eat salami roll ups and popcorn for dinner, and we go to bed with unfolded laundry all over the apartment, because *breaking news*...we aren't perfect. But you know who is? My amazing Savior. He created ME, intentionally, with a purpose... and on the days where that's hard to remember? I just read one of my favorite passages; I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

I am not perfect, & some days I screw up, but I'm thankful for people to remind me of God's grace when I need it. Hope this uplifts you, friends! It's almost Friday!!

This won't be easy.

Sometimes opening up here on the blog is hard work, because you begin to feel so vulnerable for putting yourself out there. Then you are shown love, and respect for being "honest" and not sugarcoating everything.
So I'm here to tell you, my life isn't perfect. Shocker!

As most of you know, a few months back...I revealed some pretty difficult stuff from my past. That list included some stuff about my mom. You can read here. So why am I sharing this this morning?
Two days ago, I woke up to a text from my mom...telling me she bought a plane ticket to move home. After well over a year and a half of living in Hawaii, she was ready to get her life together and be a part of our lives again.

I won't go into the details of her living situation, but it wasn't glamorous, trust me.
I worried about her every day, and every single night before bed, without forgetting, I'd pray for her. I prayed for her to be safe, to be happy, and for God to touch her heart and ignite something in her that made her want to come home. You might call me selfish for that last part, because she was finally happy where she was...but I missed her too much. I missed my best friend.

My goofy brother and mom.

We had that relationship where I could tell her anything. She and I would run to McDonald's on a school night at 11:30 PM because we were both craving Sweet Tea like nobody's business. She was the mom to make me laugh so hard I cried, and have sleepovers with me in my bedroom.

She was the mom to help me make up excuses when I didn't want to go out with friends.
She was the mom to curl my hair because I didn't know how.

Who let me see rated R movies before I was 17. The one who would challenge me to eat an entire LARGE 3 way at Skyline (you Cincinnati bloggers know how big it is!), to drive me to my first job, and who didn't judge me when I made some of the stupidest mistakes in high school. She's the mom who made it home for  arguably the biggest day of my life, and celebrated with me all week long.

She is the mom who is coming home tomorrow.
I know it won't be easy, or immediately back to how it was, but I'm excited to start a new chapter in my life with her in it. I'm excited for Caleb to actually have a relationship with his mother-in-law. I think it will be fun. I'm all grown up now...and we are both different people. I know there will be nights full of laughter, and some tears of healing as well. As rough as this journey ahead may be, I'm excited.

Mom, if you read this, I want you to know I'm here for you...and I love you, with all my heart.
We're so proud of you. Thanks for coming home.

Some simple truths.

 Its pretty crazy to think if it weren't for ONE decision being made, our entire lives would be different. Have any of you ever thought about this?

Last night...I received quite a few bits of bad, sad, and just wrong news. I could choose to let these things get me down...but I am choosing to look on the bright side of things.

I know my blog is mainly a few things;

-happy

-fun

-yellow

-more yellow

...but today, I want to let you in on some of the more real aspects of my life.

Here we go...

My parents got divorced when I was 9. I was forced to grow up immediately and take care of my baby brother, who was only 3 and had no clue what was happening. This forced me to become more independent.

I had two jobs as soon as I turned 15 and a half... my mom, grandparents or cousin would drive me to work 20 minutes away because I wasn't even old enough to have a license yet. I was working nearly 40 hours a week all throughout high school. It's because of this I learned what hard work means.

I paid for everything on my own. Food, clothes, driving school, doctors appointments, you name it. This made me appreciate the value of a dollar.

I was ripped out of college mid-semester my junior year because my family couldn't afford it. I was embarrassed, mortified, and heart broken. I had to pack my bags, say goodbye to my friends, and leave with a car full of everything I owned. I was going back home...this felt like failure...but through this heartache I realized I had something better for me waiting back home. A real job. One that would help me with my education, one that would lift me up, and encourage me.

I went through a very rough relationship a few years back, there were high's and lows...and when I say low's I mean low's. We both made stupid decisions, heck...we were only children. However, it was through this relationship I found who I really wasn't. It was also through this relationship that I found who I was. I was a better person than I gave myself credit to be...and I realized I was lovable despite my unfortunate past.

I really debated on even sharing this one... but it is truth hour, right?

My mom went on vacation to Hawaii last February, and never came back. I miss her and our relationship every single day. I struggle with my emotions on this topic on a daily basis, but I DO know that every single thing happens for a reason, one way or another...and it is not about me. I do know that through THIS heartache especially, God will bring something amazing. I have that faith in Him.

 I don't share that last one especially with you for any sort of pity, but for any of you to know that us bloggers ALL have "things" going on, even when the surface may seem so clean.

We are all a little broken... but I think that makes us beautiful.

I'm thankful that through my past, things worked out all the way they should.

If I hadn't had to leave college...I wouldn't be marrying the man of my dreams in 18 little days.

If I wasn't the daughter of a divorced couple, I may not have the steady head I do today.

If I hadn't worked so hard in school to support myself, I may have ended up drowning in debt.

I'll never know "what could have been"...but one thing is for sure.

God had a plan for me..

that plan was Caleb.

I am so thankful for this community and what it brings to my life...I can't thank you all enough for coming back to read my rambles on a daily basis. I truly appreciate EVERY single comment you leave, email we exchange, and story that is told. 

This is one of my favorite verses, and I truly believe it.

Have a fabulous day, friends.