If you saw my Instagram post the other day, you already know what I'm about to say...but lately? I've had multiple meltdowns about this. Not feeling adequate, idiotically seeking approval from everyone, and just feeling like no matter how hard I work, I can never get ahead.
Some days I feel like I rock at life, other days I feel like I've been hit BY a rock. Certain days I'm an amazing friend, but a less than perfect wife. Other days I get my extreme cardio workout in, yet fail to read my daily passages. But what's the worst? The way I continuously guilt myself about not being 'perfect' or 'good enough'...feeling like maybe God was disappointed in my attitude, personality, etc. It was super crummy, and a bit dramatic on my part.
It's in those moments that I realize how absolutely ridiculous and selfish my thoughts have been. Why would God allow me to BE this exhausted?! Why do I feel like I can't get ahead?! Then I had a wake up call. God chose to bless ME with an amazing marriage that would lift me up when I was feeling down, TWO jobs to provide extra income for bills and our debt payoff, friends and family to remind us how loved we are. Sure, we all have our 'off' days where we complain here and there about our situation,s but I'm truly trying to get better at that.
One thing that I'm also trying to get better at is to stop wishing for someone else's circumstances and love where I am, in that moment. Sure, I may not be out of debt yet...but I'm only 23. Sure, I don't have my degree yet, but through that God has taught me patience...and yes, my mom moved away from us a few years ago and never looked back but you know what? That single act made me a stronger person, that I didn't even know I had in me. God allows ALL things to happen to us for some purpose, even if we never truly figure out what it is.
I was in tears the other night praying for the countries around the world who don't have the right to freely believe whatever they choose without fear of being persecuted for it...for the parents who can't provide even enough food for their children, let alone themselves, every night. For the women who have been traded as if they were an item...and to think, I'VE got it bad?! No way.
Sure, I get exhausted from my 9-5 job, which sometimes leaves me drained and feeling too exhausted to enjoy my second job, that is, my passion. Yes, there are days when Caleb and I eat salami roll ups and popcorn for dinner, and we go to bed with unfolded laundry all over the apartment, because *breaking news*...we aren't perfect. But you know who is? My amazing Savior. He created ME, intentionally, with a purpose... and on the days where that's hard to remember? I just read one of my favorite passages; I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
I am not perfect, & some days I screw up, but I'm thankful for people to remind me of God's grace when I need it. Hope this uplifts you, friends! It's almost Friday!!