Thursday, August 21, 2014

On not feeling good enough.

If you saw my Instagram post the other day, you already know what I'm about to say...but lately? I've had multiple meltdowns about this. Not feeling adequate, idiotically seeking approval from everyone, and just feeling like no matter how hard I work, I can never get ahead. 

Some days I feel like I rock at life, other days I feel like I've been hit BY a rock. Certain days I'm an amazing friend, but a less than perfect wife. Other days I get my extreme cardio workout in, yet fail to read my daily passages. But what's the worst? The way I continuously guilt myself about not being 'perfect' or 'good enough'...feeling like maybe God was disappointed in my attitude, personality, etc. It was super crummy, and a bit dramatic on my part.

It's in those moments that I realize how absolutely ridiculous and selfish my thoughts have been. Why would God allow me to BE this exhausted?! Why do I feel like I can't get ahead?! Then I had a wake up call. God chose to bless ME with an amazing marriage that would lift me up when I was feeling down, TWO jobs to provide extra income for bills and our debt payoff, friends and family to remind us how loved we are. Sure, we all have our 'off' days where we complain here and there about our situation,s but I'm truly trying to get better at that. 

One thing that I'm also trying to get better at is to stop wishing for someone else's circumstances and love where I am, in that moment. Sure, I may not be out of debt yet...but I'm only 23. Sure, I don't have my degree yet, but through that God has taught me patience...and yes, my mom moved away from us a few years ago and never looked back but you know what? That single act made me a stronger person, that I didn't even know I had in me. God allows ALL things to happen to us for some purpose, even if we never truly figure out what it is.

I was in tears the other night praying for the countries around the world who don't have the right to freely believe whatever they choose without fear of being persecuted for it...for the parents who can't provide even enough food for their children, let alone themselves, every night. For the women who have been traded as if they were an item...and to think, I'VE got it bad?! No way.

Sure, I get exhausted from my 9-5 job, which sometimes leaves me drained and feeling too exhausted to enjoy my second job, that is, my passion. Yes, there are days when Caleb and I eat salami roll ups and popcorn for dinner, and we go to bed with unfolded laundry all over the apartment, because *breaking news*...we aren't perfect. But you know who is? My amazing Savior. He created ME, intentionally, with a purpose... and on the days where that's hard to remember? I just read one of my favorite passages; I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well.

I am not perfect, & some days I screw up, but I'm thankful for people to remind me of God's grace when I need it. Hope this uplifts you, friends! It's almost Friday!!

14 comments:

  1. This is beautifully written and spot-on reminder. Something I definitely needed to hear this week. You are wonderful! Did kids ever say "My momma tells me I'm pretty because God don't make no junk" when you were growing up? Maybe I went to some hick elementary school ;) but I used to hear that a lot. And it's true! "God don't make no junk!" Keep on going because you're already doing SO much with your life. Can't wait to see what else is coming for you :) God has the best plan.

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  2. This is fantastic! You absolutely are so fearfully and wonderfully made by none other than THE AWESOME Creator! Definitely everybody has their days or moments when all the craziness just becomes so overwhelming. I have many many of those moments - more than I'd like to count. But it's always in those moments that I feel God closest to my heart. Because I know that He is sovereign, and good, and loving, and He sure does know what the heck He is doing. Thank goodness. LOL!

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  3. We've all been there....myself far more than I will ever admit, but It's so great that we both have the same awesome conclusion :)

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  4. Yes, yes, and yes! My son Ryan and I were just talking about this yesterday!

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  5. It's so easy to get bogged down by all the things we feel like we can't measure up to, and so hard to step back, look around, and ask ourselves, "Really?! THIS is what I have to be upset about?" I've been in a bit of a funk myself lately and have been trying to make myself just stop and see the situation for what it really is (which is not that bad in the grand scheme of things). You're exactly where you're supposed to be and doing exactly what you're supposed to be doing. Chin up, friend!

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  6. Love this Kayla!

    Between your post today and Erin's from yesterday I feel like you both can read my mind! They are just what I needed for a 'wake up call'. The things I've been stressing and worrying about are so ridiculous compared to the grand scheme of things - I need to remember that and focus on the positives!

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  7. Our God is greaterrrr, our God is strongerrrr, God you are higherrrr than any other! I don't know why but that's the song that popped into my head as I read this! But it's so true- He is above all and has a plan for us no matter how much we doubt or worry! :)

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  8. When you're feeling down, it definitely helps to take a step back and look at the big picture!! You are a wonderful person so just don't forget that!! I can't wait to visit again sweet friend!!! :)

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  9. You're amazing, Kayla!!! These are things that we all struggle with, so it was so nice to read your honest post - much love, girlfriend!!

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  10. We all struggle. We all have moments that could break us if it weren't for His love and guidance. I hope things turn around for you soon, that you feel a little more at piece and better about your situations.

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  11. yeah it's hard to not get down and compare ourselves to others. but i'm trying to be thankful for what i have too. it's not always easy but it's important to try our best :)

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  12. I feel the exact same way a lot of times. I compare myself to a lot of my friends all the time. They are in college while I have to work full time, they have free time while I work 8 hours out of the day, etc. It's so hard watching all your friends go through things and take it for granted when it's something you want so bad. I just have to keep reminding myself that God has a plan and his plan for me right now is to just work. I also feel awful for thinking this way a lot of times because there are so many who are searching for jobs and would love to be in my shoes. It's a hard situation but my faith is what gets me through! Such a great post, thanks for sharing, friend! :)

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  13. I think this is something everyone struggles with at times--so being open and honest about it just contributes to a real community. Thanks for sharing! xo

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Thanks for your comments, I read and respond to every single one of them! :) Excited to get to know you!