Wednesday, May 13, 2015

It's just a season.

It happened. The anxiety attack I've been fearing for a while. It crept up like a thief... and really frightened me. This isn't me, I thought. I didn't know what was happening...and its not like this happens a lot, or ever, but there I was, trying to fall asleep next to my husband, and I couldn't control my breathing. Then I start trying to speak and let him know I wasn't sure why I felt like this...and then came the tears. It made no sense to me?! He had no idea what to do, other than hold me and tell me to just cry it all out. Cause sometimes? That's all you can do...even when it makes no sense.

Let me tell you a little something about my life - its insanely busy. It kind of makes me laugh when people have to tell me just how busy I am, like I'm not aware or something. I work full time by day, shoot weddings on the weekends and meet with couples in the evenings for consultations, timeline prep, engagement shoots, etc. Don't get me wrong, I love every second of it...but some nights? The Devil tricks me into thinking that this is how it will always be, that somehow I can't handle all of it...and that I'm going to royally screw up eventually.

The silver lining to being busy right now? I know it won't last forever. Caleb and I KNEW 2015 would be one of our busiest, most insane years. We're paying off a ton of debt and working our tails off...and while we do enjoy it and this photography business is our passion, it's proving to be incredibly tiring! But that's what you have to do sometimes...work extremely hard & get extremely tired. One of my best friends told me this week, to make sure that EVERY SINGLE DAY I am doing something that will get me closer to my dreams, and a lot of the time? That means hard work. Dang, I have smart friends.

So I'm here to ask for prayer...and for a little accountability. Caleb said I need to schedule "me-nights"... nights where I come home from work and leave my laptop in its bag; no editing, no emails, no phone calls, etc...and just be. It's funny to me that I'd never thought of scheduling nights off...like it wasn't a possibility? This insanely tiring year has already taught me so much about myself, but its also teaching me a lot about prioritizing, and I love that.

Being in the thick of something is hard, no matter what it is... but the reward is always worth it.
shameless wedding photo because I'm happy in this photo and I love my dress.
He's a smart man...and I'm glad I listened to him. I'm promising myself that starting next week, I'm going to be better about making time for ME! Maybe I should start with a hair appointment? My girl Becca is almost back from maternity leave and I'm excited that I'm going back to blonde. I truly feel like its more me and to be honest? I just kinda miss it! I'm ready for summer!! ;)

16 comments:

  1. Good for you for chasing your dreams, girlie! I know the feeling of being busy and it is soooo important to find just you time. Even if it's just one night a week where you enjoy a book or a tv show. or a bath. Just do it!

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  2. You have to take care of yourself before you try to meet the needs of others (paraphrasing from "Moms' Night Out"). It's true for all of us, not just moms. I function far better when I have time to myself to read every day, which is my go-to stress relief. Enjoy your downtime!

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  3. I'm guilty of the same thing and it's SO important to take that time to unplug completely... good luck, hope that time helps you!

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  4. Why can't we live closer together so that we can force each other to have me-nights?! Girl, I'm right there with you. I know I'm busy, I know I need to slow down, but how the heck do I do it? I will absolutely be praying for you - for peace, for tranquility in your life, and for so many awesome me-nights! Yay for going back to blonde!

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  5. Your husband sounds wise. We all need to practice better self-care in general. Society tell us being busy all the time is normal, and it's not. We still need time to come before God in peace and just rest! You're kicking major ass but you also deserve some down time once a week :)

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  6. Ugh, anxiety attacks are NOT FUN. I used to have them daily right after I had Beckett and every once in a while I still get them. You can always look back on them and see that you made it through it and you're fine, but in the middle of one, they are no joke. I wish I had the answer to avoiding them, but I don't. And I know that sometimes the thought of me time just adds to your anxiety because you don't feel like you have time for it. You can always text me if you need to! :-)

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  7. oh girl, I'm so sorry! anxiety is absolutely awful. but sounds like you were able to grasp the right perspective despite it all. You got this, breathe :)

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  8. Prayers for you! Anxiety attacks are the pits. I've been in the midst of some majorly anxious times this week myself (life changes can do that to a girl.) The thing that I kept hearing the Lord say to me the other night as I was dealing with it was "Keep your eyes locked on mine." And as I kept my eyes focused on Him, the anxiety faded away, little by little. Hope this helps. <3

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  9. Though I don't quite know how it feels to be so busy with never-ending work, I do know how anxiety attacks feel and my heart breaks for you. It's true that sometimes, the only cure is to cry it out and let your thoughts be heard. I'll be thinking of you through busy season and I know that you'll come out with so much learned, so much gained, closer and closer to your dream. You're an inspiration to me because you're actually using your "downtime" to work toward something you want! It makes me want to start freelancing on the side (weekends, after work, etc.).

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  10. Sometimes you just need a night like that to say "slow down" and put you back in perspective.

    If you are serious about the photography business, have you considered taking a leave of absence from your regular job to see if its something you'd like to do full time? I have a colleague who did that and she loved every minute of it, made herself a name among STL wedding photographers and even pages on the knot. She did decide to cut it down though and wanted back in the classroom but knows if she left again she'll be just as busy still.

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  11. I feel you. I feel frazzled and all over the place right now. I'm trying to take it one day at a time. There are different seasons, and I know in a few months I might be thinking "hey, I don't have too much going on right now!" Getting older kind of freaks me out. But anyway, it's exciting that you're paying off so much debt so quickly! That's definitely a good way to show some actual progress toward your goals :)

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  12. Sometimes the best thing to hear is "me too"... I'm there... we're there in our marriage... we're so so busy and everything else besides "just being" seems to happen and before we know it, we're burned out. So thankful for sweet men who know the importance of just crying it all out. I have been living in a state of "burn out" because we're so extremely busy with everyone, everything, work, church, planning, friends, and nine thousand other things. I am looking forward to weekends (far away of course) that I can unplug and relax. I'm learning to take it one day at a time, to make time for rest, and that even five minutes of uninterrupted "us time" makes all the difference. :) Big prayers!

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  13. "me nights" are a great idea! schedule those bad boys in!!! you can do this. the devil plays tricks on our minds and he is not welcomed! i will say a prayer for you!

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  14. oh girl, I couldn't have written this better, myself! I feel ya! It's awesome to be so dang busy but it's not awesome to worry and try to make sure you got everything done that day/are on track to get everything else done in time. working out always helps me relax a little! Because when I work out, all I can focus on is what I am doing in that moment and stuff. prayers coming your way :) nights off are great! sometimes nights off stress me out more because "I could be getting something done" haha
    xo, Candace | Lovely Little Rants

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  15. Nights off will save your life! I would dissolve into oblivion without time to unwind. I have to remind myself too that everything is a season and a phase...especially with a newborn. Remembering that life won't always be this way is what keeps me hanging on sometimes, and for you too I'm sure.

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  16. me nights are good for you, for Caleb, for your family and your clients! You need to take care of yourself first and then you'll able to take care of them even better! I'm glad you're making it a priority!!! :)

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Thanks for your comments, I read and respond to every single one of them! :) Excited to get to know you!